Dear Raza

Raza,

I can’t believe you are going to be a one-year-old this week. What a year it was! So much took place that it doesn’t feel like all of that could possibly have occurred in just twelve months.

In reality, every three months was something new. The first three months, you and I were trying to figure out our new normal while my only goal was to keep you alive and well! The next three months you started daycare, your travels and sitting up. The three months after that you began eating everything, sleeping through the night and experienced my favorite season, fall. The last three months you got lots of teeth, began crawling, pulling up and discovered tantrums.

There are many firsts that are forever etched in my heart. There are moments I will miss because I know they will become rarer as you get older. So for now, I am going to cherish every nose kiss, hug and cuddle I can get from you.

It was also year of many many adjustments, mostly of my expectations. You see everyone says motherhood is wonderful and such a gift, which it is, but they don’t talk about the challenges. Motherhood is also lonely and isolating, not for a lack of people in our lives but simply because you are exhausted and can’t ever find the time. There are moments that are not enjoyable, moments when you question your sanity and wonder how you will ever survive. There is so much happening so fast that moms often lose themselves along the way. Our bodies change. Our minds change. Our hearts change. But life outside mostly stays the same. I had to learn how to merge these two identities and figure out who the new me was while learning how to be a mom at the same time.

I am proud of the fact that I was able to breastfeed you for an entire year. I would be lying if I said it was easy because it wasn’t. It’s one of the hardest things I have ever done but one I wanted to do for you. I am excited that my day no longer revolves around pumping. Actually beyond excited.

I also had to adjust my expectations of friendships. Some people I rarely see anymore. Some people I see when I reach out. Some people I see because they insist on checking on me and making sure I am ok. As someone who rarely asks for help, I am now so comfortable asking of those who I know will help no matter what. I wouldn’t have made it otherwise.

I was lucky. I got to do most of what I wanted to do because of a lot of wonderful people who love you. Your grandparents, your aunts and uncles and two great babysitters who watched you countless times while I had to be somewhere else. This really allowed me to feel like I had “my all” because there is no such thing as really having it all. All moms have to decide what their all is in order to find their balance and happiness.

I cannot imagine life without you. You have brought such joy in our lives and I can’t wait to see who you become.

Love,

Mom